Palin and Bachmann to speak at same event, scientists voice concerns

With the announcement this week that former Governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin and Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann will be appearing to speak at the same event, a National Tea Party Convention to be held in Tennessee, a number of prominent physicists have stepped forward to voice concern. "We have only begun to theorize about the implications of Black Holes and other such super dense masses," commented Dr. Wilhelm Neumeir, Director of Research at the the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN in Geneva. "What empirical observation we have to date has been allowed us at the scale and distance of stellar events light years away from here —or at a molecular level with very structured and controlled laboratory protocols in place, but to bring these two into the same environment —well let's just say it involves risks we don't yet fully fathom."

Dr. Neumeir's comments came as he spoke at an impromptu press conference at a meeting of the International Union of Ethical Science and Research. Neumeir was joined in expressing his alarm at what he called "a potential Palin/Bachmann Occurrence" by theorists and researchers from prominent universities such as Harvard, M.I.T. and Stanford.

"We are all of us scientists and if the event goes forward we will observe it closely, but as ethical professionals we felt it would be wrong not to call attention to the risks," Neumeir said, as he pointed to theories that suggest the possibility of an inexorably growing darkness that will expand to consume the cosmos as we know it.

These theories are not without their detractors, of course, and Dr Albert Holmgren of the University of Minnesotta immediately responded to the joint I.U.E.S.R. statement by almost immediately arranging a conference call with leading technical and scientific journalists from around the globe (and this reporter). "These concerns are wildly overstated," Holmgren said. "Dr. Neumeir may be right to point out that we have yet to observe a density of the sort a Palin/Bachmann Occurrence would indicate, but he fails to acknowledge Palin's recent appearances on Bill O'Reilly's television show and Bachmann's numerous appearances in studio at a number of Fox News programs." Holmgren pointed out that there is even documented evidence of Bachmann and Fox News commentator, Sean Hannity occupying the same space without the theoretically calculated cataclysm occurring. "This is —at worst—an incremental increase in density," he said. "I understand the concern, but we have to view the phenomena with an open mind."

The Palin/Bachmann Occurrence is tentatively scheduled for February.

Karl Rove confronts Obama in one on one impromptu exchange

King of Thailand loses bet, must wear silly hat for another year!

A Song of Thanksgiving

Uncle Dave's Grace

by Lou and Peter Berryman



Thanksgiving day, Uncle Dave was our guest
He reads the Progressive which makes him depressed
We asked Uncle Dave if he'd like to say grace,
A dark desolation crept over his face

"Thanks," he began as he gazed at his knife,
"To poor Mr. Turkey for living his life
All crowded and cramped in a great metal shed
Where life was a drag then they cut off his head"

"Thanks," he went on, "for the grapes in my wine
Picked by sick women of seventy-nine
Scrambling all morning for bunch after bunch
Then brushing the pesticides off of their lunch

Thanks for the stuffing all heaped on my fork
Shiny with sausage descended from pork
I think of the trucks full of full of pigs that I see
And can't help imagine what they think of me"

Continuing, "I'd like to thank if you please
Our salad bowl hacked out of tropical trees
And for this mahogany table and chair
We thank all the jungles that used to be there

For cream in our coffee and milk in our mugs,
We thank all the cows full of hormones and drugs
Whose calves are removed at a very young age
And force-fed as veal in a minuscule cage"

"Oh thanks for the furnace that heats up these rooms
And thanks for the rich fossil fuel it consumes
Corrupting the atmosphere ounce after ounce
But we're warm and toasty and that is what counts

I'm grateful," he said, "for these clothes on my back
Lovely and comfy and cheap off the rack
Fashioned in warehouses noisy and cold
In China by seamstresses seven years old

"And thanks for my silverware setting that shines
In memory of miners who died in the mines
Worn down by the shovelling of tailings and piles
Whose runoff destroys all the rivers for miles

We thank the reactors for our chandelier
Whose deadly plutonium won't disappear
For hundreds of decades it still will be there
But a few more Chernobyls and who's gonna care?"

Sighed Uncle Dave, "though there's more to be told
The wine's getting warm and the bird's getting cold"
And with that he sat down as he mumbled again
"Thank you for everything, amen"

We felt so guilty when he was all through
It seemed there was one of two things we could do
Live without food, in the nude, in a cave,
Or next year have someone say grace besides Dave.

Confusion on the campaign trail as Obama shakes baby and kisses hands

Palin announces new "flexible" approach to No Child Left Behind Act —"OK, so maybe a few"

Barney Frank finally straightens necktie to bipartisan acclaim