Sunday, February 6, 2011

MVP! Brady named 2010-2011 season's NFL player with "most volume produced"

The American Hairdressing & Beauty Industry Association chose today, Super Bowl Sunday, to announce the recipient of their annual MVP Award for "the NFL player who has done the most to advance an appreciation for hair care and volumizing conditioners" in the past season. AHBIA spokeswoman Natalie Garelnick announced the award in a conference call with reporters from many of the nation's top fashion, sporting and men's health magazines. Garelnick commented that Brady's award really should be understood not only in the context of this season "and that gorgeous head of hair we saw just getting bouncier and more beautiful all year." She noted that each of the judges she had spoken with had commented on the care and patience Brady had brought to his grooming across the whole span of his career "to develop a truly individual and inspiring coiffure."

"This year really was the crowning achievement after years of work," Garelnick said.

Pittsburgh Steeler's Defensive Linebacker, Troy Polamalu came in a distant second in the voting despite the fact, as many followers of pro football have noted, his team has advanced to ultimate game this Sunday —and he has easily three times as much hair on his head as Brady. Recently "retired" Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania went so far as to call for a congressional investigation when he heard news of Brady's award. "Why... you can't call the award "Most Volume Produced" if you're just going to give it to some spoiled pretty boy and ignore the actual measurable amount of hair involved! It's a travesty!" said a clearly angered Spector appearing on an ESPN news broadcast shortly after the announcement.

"No one is going to dismiss Troy's contributions," Garelnick commented when asked about the controversial aspects of the voting, "in many ways this is recognized as 'The Polamalu Era' we're living in right now. That's a given well understood by students of the game of football and of that nexus of the sport and and the art of volumizing and conditioning. But I think judges really wanted to acknowledge that Tom Brady has brought an artistic sensibility and grace to the contest lately, where this year you really saw Troy concerned mostly with more length —really a kind of artless bulk —just more hair. He really didn't focus on control and body or sheen —and frankly, when you see him up close he's just a god-awful mess of split ends!"

Polamalu, himself has refused to comment on the award or Ms. Garelnick's remarks.

In a related story, the AP has also named Brady MVP this year. This may be the first time ever the same player has taken both awards.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Bobo speaks

The past weekend saw the combustible combination of Darwin's Theory of Evolution and American politics revisited once again. It started with an appearance by Republican Georgia Congressman Jack Kingston on HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher" on Friday night. Kingston found himself being pressed by the host to either affirm or deny belief in the theory of Natural Selection and he answered with this:
"Well —I believe I came from God —not from a monkey
—so the answer is no."

~Congressman Jack Kingston, R-Ga

As we at Faux Journalism first reported it on Sunday evening, that's when things got interesting. Apparently smarting from the "from God —not a monkey" remark, Bobo, The Monkey —Simian in Residence at the Oatland Island Wildlife Center in Savannah, Georgia and a constituent in Congressman Kingston's district released this terse statement through his publicist.

"While our Representative in Congress may find the idea of being descended from a monkey distasteful, he should realize that there are a great many of us primates who find the notion of having shared ancestry with the Congressman equally distressing and improbable. When we take a measure of the current Conservative Caucus in Congress we see nothing to suggest that any kind of worthwhile 'evolution' has been going on. Kingston and his cronies put the lie to Darwin!"

~ Bobo, The Monkey

That's when all heck broke loose. Bobo's comments elicited a sharp reaction from several prominent area Republicans, with some even going so far as to demand his removal from Oatland Island and promising a close review of the wildlife center's public funding if prompt action is not taken. As we go to press, the director of the Oatland Island Wildlife Center has made no official statement with regard to Bobo's comments or his continued involvement with the institution.

In this Faux Journalism exclusive, we are privileged to feature a one on one interview with Bobo. He sat with us and shared his thoughts on the controversy with the congressman, the current state of our political culture and the path forward we all seek towards a more civil society.

As follows are some brief excerpts:

First, Bobo, let me thank you for joining us. I know you've found yourself in something of swirl these last couple days. We appreciate you taking the time.

Well, thanks for having me —I appreciate the opportunity. I know my remarks have caused some real difficulties to a group of fine professionals, all of whom I greatly admire and respect and I certainly didn't mean to bring any of this down on their heads. So first let me apologize to all the people at Oatland Island Wildlife Center, to all my fellow members of the visiting faculty there as well. I realize, now, that what I really wanted to get across to the Congressman —and really to Mr. Maher as well— could have been expressed much more tactfully. So, again, I really appreciate this opportunity.

Well let's get to that then. Maybe you can tell us where you were coming from with your remarks. What it was you really wanted to say.

I'll admit this started from a place of anger and hurt. The Congressman's remark about being "from God, not from a monkey" — it was hurtful. I think there are people who look at the way monkeys live and relate with one another, who just assume we have no inner or spiritual lives —that we have no sense of being "from God" ourselves. That's just wrong and to hear the Congressman comment as he did —well it really got to me.

Enough to throw feces?

Actually, I am glad you brought that up. What was the headline you guys ran on the story Sunday"

"GA. Republican and feces throwing chimp both vehemently deny rumors that they share common ancestry —despite DNA evidence."

Yes, that was it —you realize of course that the whole headline was way off base. First of all, I am a bonobo —not a chimp. And the "feces throwing" remark —that was just gratuitous and degrading...

We are sorry about that. Your publicist contacted us on that issue and we are planning a lengthy and detailed retraction —but let's get back to your thoughts on the Congressman's remarks.

Yes, lets. I've given the matter a lot of thought over the last couple of days —and as much as I am angry with what Representative Kingston said —with his tone and all —I've also come to think that maybe he was as much a victim as a perpetrator in the the whole ugly scene that was unfolding on Mr. Maher's program Friday night. It just strikes me that the whole subject of evolution and religious belief had been soured and stirred once again only for the sake of some ugly spectacle. I think the whole scene was an example of the misfire in our public discourse these days. No one was earnestly and candidly exploring theology or science on that television show. No one was there to truly fathom the others views and understand them. The business at hand was garish caricature of each others ideas and beliefs.

As I think of it now, I am sure that when Representative Kingston bows down to pray —when he is alone with what he understands as God —I am sure that there is more subtlety and grace to those prayers —to his beliefs.

Personally, I would like to believe that in the presence of that grace —in the honest fathoming of his own faith he could find his way to a place of respect for another of God's creatures —even a monkey like me.

I think I hear what you're saying —But I just know there are readers who are going take in what you're saying and feel like you're being way too charitable towards Representative Kingston. Frankly, they are going to wish you were still angry and if not literally at least figuratively throwing... well, you know.

Oh, I know —What was the term Maher used about denying the Theory of Evolution? —Risible, he said it was 'risible' to believe otherwise from "man evolved from monkeys." You know, I think Maher's use of the subject was every bit as risible. It's rude theology and crude science. I think Darwin would be horrified to hear his theories on selection devolved to such a level as this either or ultimatum of pseudo-modernity —to see his theories treated as some litmus orthodoxy for self-impressed thinkers. From what I've read and heard, Darwin himself was quite a religious and spiritual man, what he studied and theorized on was something he pondered as the handwriting of creation —the method and means of God himself. He would be horrified to see that devoted study turned to the purpose of a coarse cartoon —a clown show entertainment.

So if I am getting you right —the message you really want to get out there in the aftermath of this incident is —well, something like —Sorry, Congressman, I lost my head.

Well, maybe that. They say that the best sermons are given by sinners. So maybe this was my opportunity to get up on a worthwhile soapbox. Sure, on a certain level it felt good to get off a snide rejoinder in the Congressman's direction. But in the aftermath of my little press release I also had this sense of things in my own world just getting darker, nastier, narrower —for myself and for those in the world around me. I think there are too many of us, in this day and age, who prefer a clever insult to a useful insight.

Look —I can and should challenge ideas that are abhorrent to me —like the casually expressed disdain for my very being I heard in the Congressman's remark. But that challenge is so much more meaningful —and maybe even more effective— if I can bring it from a place of compassion and respect —a genuine desire to understand and be understood —only then to persuade.

Faith and science, prayer and pondering, progress and conservatism —even as these acquainted concepts contest and challenge each other to grow and evolve —there just has to be more —more mutual respect —more love.

Bobo, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on all this. I know you have a busy week ahead of you and we really do appreciate you affording us this time.

My pleasure —peace, brother.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Republicans Split Along Gender Lines As Constitutional Amendments Debate Widens

Republican party strategists have begun to voice concern at the prospect of a deep rift developing within the party along gender lines with the appearance of a feature article in this month's edition of a popular (excuse the term) Conservative journal. Writing for 'Manifest Destiny Monthly,' columnist Preston Farpington, III (pictured above with his wife, who he insists upon calling 'Lady Farpington') pays due respect to the recent rise of female Conservatives within the Republican party's political ranks, but he sees that rise as being somewhat at odds with the party's core values.

Frapington writes:
"Palin and her 'Mama Grizzlies Movement' and figures like Michelle Bachman and Sharon Angle might give voice to valid critique of the Left Extreme, but we most remind ourselves of the larger issues that have come into focus lately with long overdue examination of The Constitution and its rather libertine excesses, especially where it comes to citizenship and populist polling privileges."

Farpington goes on to argue that recent calls to repeal the 14th Amendment, "with its profligate grantings of birthright citizenship" have to be understood as merely the opening moves in a broader effort toward comprehensive reform. "The Tea Party Movement has harkened us all back to our great nation's founding in 18th century thought and truly Republican principles. We can't stop at a few rallies and worthy distress over taxation," he writes. "We must return to the Revolution and undo the accrued dire devolutions of our noble Republic."

Farpington concludes that "the Revolution will have been restored" once, not only the 14th amendment has been repealed, "but the whole host of dastardly amendations that have brought about indiscriminate suffrage —once proper authority in governance is restored to the male land owning Christian gentry."

A number of prominent Republicans have gone on record to distance themselves from Farpington's opinions and qualify his piece as "strictly an exercise in abstract and theoretical logic and theory" and not an actual rendering of the GOP policy agenda. To this writer it appears Farpinton's openly stated opinions may just make for some interesting tension within the rank and file of The Republican Party and its most important thinkers.

When asked by Faux Journalism to comment on her husband's article, 'Lady Farpington' opined merely that "the man is an ass."

Rumor has it that she's actually the one with the money.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Palin and Bachmann to speak at same event, scientists voice concerns

With the announcement this week that former Governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin and Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann will be appearing to speak at the same event, a National Tea Party Convention to be held in Tennessee, a number of prominent physicists have stepped forward to voice concern. "We have only begun to theorize about the implications of Black Holes and other such super dense masses," commented Dr. Wilhelm Neumeir, Director of Research at the the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN in Geneva. "What empirical observation we have to date has been allowed us at the scale and distance of stellar events light years away from here —or at a molecular level with very structured and controlled laboratory protocols in place, but to bring these two into the same environment —well let's just say it involves risks we don't yet fully fathom."

Dr. Neumeir's comments came as he spoke at an impromptu press conference at a meeting of the International Union of Ethical Science and Research. Neumeir was joined in expressing his alarm at what he called "a potential Palin/Bachmann Occurrence" by theorists and researchers from prominent universities such as Harvard, M.I.T. and Stanford.

"We are all of us scientists and if the event goes forward we will observe it closely, but as ethical professionals we felt it would be wrong not to call attention to the risks," Neumeir said, as he pointed to theories that suggest the possibility of an inexorably growing darkness that will expand to consume the cosmos as we know it.

These theories are not without their detractors, of course, and Dr Albert Holmgren of the University of Minnesotta immediately responded to the joint I.U.E.S.R. statement by almost immediately arranging a conference call with leading technical and scientific journalists from around the globe (and this reporter). "These concerns are wildly overstated," Holmgren said. "Dr. Neumeir may be right to point out that we have yet to observe a density of the sort a Palin/Bachmann Occurrence would indicate, but he fails to acknowledge Palin's recent appearances on Bill O'Reilly's television show and Bachmann's numerous appearances in studio at a number of Fox News programs." Holmgren pointed out that there is even documented evidence of Bachmann and Fox News commentator, Sean Hannity occupying the same space without the theoretically calculated cataclysm occurring. "This is —at worst—an incremental increase in density," he said. "I understand the concern, but we have to view the phenomena with an open mind."

The Palin/Bachmann Occurrence is tentatively scheduled for February.