Cheney announces he is no longer baldhair treatment has been "remarkable success"

Vice President Dick Cheney, delivering the key note address at this year's annual convention of The Hair Club for Men, announced Wednesday that he is no longer bald. "It's official today —and frankly it has been the case for quite some time now. I am not bald. I'm not thinning —or receding. I'd have to say that the entire hair growing endeavor, by any objective metric, has been a remarkable success"

While Cheney's formal remarks were seen as well suited to the event and in keeping with the dignity of his office, it was later in the day that some of the tension surrounding the issue came to light —so to speak. The Vice President would have some choice words, and a singular gesture, for reporters who repeatedly asked through the course of the day that he remove his hat and make his "success" available for public scrutiny.

Cheney insisted on wearing his hat throughout the Hair Club for Men's formal proceedings, through his key note speech and the dinner held in his honor which followed. All the while he faced questions regarding his brand new Stetson hat and the as yet unnamed hair growth method that was supposedly so successful . As he finally left the Hair Club for Men event, after quite a long day, a number of reporters were heard calling to the vice president, "Hey man, take off the hat!" —to which he at last responded —by grasping himself at the groin and offering a hand signal which is widely understood to suggest a lewd act, just before ducking into his limousine.

Aides to the Vice President point out that he has been under a lot of pressure lately.

On another front for the same battle, the Vice President's office responded to a legal action filed in federal court under the Freedom of Information Act, also pertaining to Cheney's hat and the head underneath it. A team of lawyers acting on behalf of the ACLU and the liberal advocacy group MoveOn. org had brought the FOI suit, arguing, not only that the Vice President's success or failure with regard to growing hair should be a matter of public record, but also that Cheney should "take off the damn hat, because he looks foolish with the thing on his head."

Cheney's legal team responded that "the Vice President is in no way answerable to a bunch of pansy liberals" with regard to his haberdashery. "Furthermore it is the Vice President's contention that the privacy his hat provides is his only guarantee of hair growth that is candid, unvarnished —and full bodied."

No matter how the federal court rules on the matter before it, many legal scholars agree that the issue of Cheney's hat is likely to end up before the Supreme Court on appeal, setting the stage for a Constitutional drama not seen since the days of George Washington's dentures.