McCain cancels press appearance, pledges he "won't come back 'til you guys promise to be nice!"

Arizona Senator John McCain abruptly cancelled his regular press availability today, storming away from the gathered pool of reporters, hurling himself to the ground behind a park bench and announcing that he would not speak with the press until they were "nicer" to him and/or "stopped being so nice" to Illinois Senator Barack Obama, the presumed Democratic candidate for President.

It was clear to this reporter that Senator McCain had not prepared his staff for this sudden shift in policy, as several of his closest aides were clearly nonplussed by the Republican candidate's behavior. Several of them made attempts to talk McCain through his obvious distress, but with each "C'mon John —pleeease," Senator McCain seemed to hunker down lower into a posture (pictured above) somewhere between the fetal position and an ostrich with its head in the sand.

"He gets like this," said a senior aide who asked to remain anonymous for this report. "Especially when one of you guys says something nice about Obama. There's really just some words that set him off into a tizzy every time! Like 'charisma' —he hates that one—and 'energy' and 'insight' —oh, and 'articulate' —man he hates that one! He just sees those as code words for how you like Obama and don't like him. Would it hurt just to call Obama stupid or ugly every once in a while?"

The press contingent was ushered away from the scene of McCain's outburst and only then, it is reported, did the Senator get up and enter his limousine, accompanied by his favorite Secret Service agent, Billy. The two have become quite close in recent months, as Billy "always seems to know just what to say."

A memo released by the campaign following the aborted press appearance explained that the Senator had "had a very busy morning and was feeling cranky." The release went on to explain about the key words that most often upset the Senator and suggested terms that were more appropriately neutral, fair and balanced, such as 'lucid' and 'ambulatory.'

The memo concluded with this fairly explicit demand: "Once the campaign and Senator McCain receive some assurances about these basic standards of communication and proper journalism, the Senator will return to his regular practice of weekly press appearances. Oh yeah —and please don't mention the Senator's height, either. That really gets his goat."